Tonight was the big night, y’all. Cindy-Lu’s first ever soccer practice. Would she get on the field and kick that ball like a pro? Or would she get on the field and cry like a little bitch because her mommy wasn’t there?

OH MY GAWD, DAD! They want to put a name tag on me! Hold me!

She actually did a lot better than I expected. She cried for a couple of minutes after the coach dared to put a name tag on her back. Stickers. They are EVIL.

She got over it though and Cleatus left the field and she started walking off towards the middle of the field like the coach told the kids to do. The coach (hereafter called “Coach” because I don’t want to keep typing THE COACH and because she is not actually a coach because SHE SUCKS and is therefore in quotes) (Also note there are actually TWO coaches. But they sucked so much they are just being called “Coach” together.) completely ignored MAH PRESHUS BAYBEE and focused on all of the other kids. I might sound a bit whiny and annoying when I say that, but seriously. Neither one of them said ONE WORD to Cindy-Lu. She stood to the side by herself and stared at them while they worked with the other kids. At times they would just wander away and leave her on her own.

“Coach?” Where’d ya go? Anyone? Bueller?

After about twenty minutes of Cindy-Lu being completely ignored Cleatus went out on to the field and helped her out.

Dat’s a ball, Daddy. “Coach” helps the other kids kick that, but maybe YOU can help me?

So he did. Because he’s a good daddy.

Hmm. Dat ball wants me to kick it.

Okay, maybe I will. But gently. So I don’t hurt my piggies.

After Cindy-Lu kicked the ball to her Daddy a few times and was continually ignored by “Coach” it was time for everyone to come and get a drink of water. All the kids were herded over to the water coolers and given drinks. Except for Cindy-Lu. She just stood there and made faces.

You got water? I don’t got water.

What? I don’t look thirsty? Or I’m just invisible?

After all the other children were given water and Cindy-Lu was not, it was time for the parents to come and collect their children. Luckily I was paying attention, because “Coach” wandered off and left Cindy-Lu alone in sea of people by herself. Because, you know, Cindy-Lu is, like, totally easy to miss. She’s practically invisible.

Me? I not invisible. I just playin’ soccer. All alone.

*Obviously, the bitch is the coach.

It seems as though my daughter reads my blog. Sure, she’s only three and she can’t figure out how to access the internet but OBVIOUSLY she reads this blog. When she read that I might accidentally stab her she got scared and decided to be all cute again.

See? Cute. 

Today I have heard such things as “Tell me I’m your girl, Mum!” and “Lemme kiss your cheek for you.” and “I will be your friend!”

Motherhood. It’s a fucking roller coaster ride.

In other news…oh, who am I kidding? I don’t have news. No wait! Maybe I do.

I like Eeyore, too!

I ordered a couple of computer programs (For free! Just had to pay shipping! Homeschooling is so cool! What’s not cool about homeschooling? I also ordered $600 worth of history and language arts programs for next year. Up next? Another $300 or $400 on math and science and other crap! And all of that is for ONE child! Homeschooling sucks ass!) for Eeyore and one of them was Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. I got it all set up for him tonight and he started his first lesson. I’m proud to announce that he types 4 (FOUR!) WPM. FUTURE BLOGGER!

I might suck at typing, but I can blow some bad ass bubbles. 

 Eh, who cares if he can’t type for shit. He can play Jingle Bells on the piano and he makes a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich and DAMN IT, he’s cute.

It’s been 6 days without a post from me and, to be honest, I’m getting sick of that sweet little story about Cindy-Lu being at the top of my blog. Yeah, she’s sweet. You get it. NOW LET ME TELL YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT THE GIRL CHILD.

She is NOT sweet. She occasionally says sweet things and, sure, she IS cute. But the cute is only there to prevent you from hurting her. In fact, I have to keep her face washed and her hair neatly brushed and nice clothes on the child at all times, because if she isn’t ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS looking I might accidentally stab her.

Seriously. I don’t know what to do about the WHINING. It is constant. And I can not stand it. She knows what whining is and she knows that it is ANNOYING, because if you whine at her she asks you to stop. I have tried asking her to speak in a nice voice, but she just whines louder so that I have to scream over the whine to PLEASE SPEAK NICELY SO I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. When she doesn’t stop whining after I have asked her to I have tried completely ignoring her. Can I just say that ignoring something that is just 3 feet tall and weighs about 40 pounds is not nearly as easy as it sounds. It is, in fact, IMPOSSIBLE. She follows me from room to room to ROOM and she never SHUTS THE FUCK UP with the whining that has now escalated to SCREAMING because MOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOM, YOU HAFFA LISTEN MEEEEEEEE! and then my ears are bleeding and I start cussing because MOTHERFUCK! I JUST MOPPED THE FLOOR AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THIS BLOOD? and then I head to the kitchen to find a knife with which to slit my wrists.

And now, dear internet, is the part where you jump in and tell me all about the MIRACLE that caused your child to stop whining. If possible please include ideas that do not involve me hiding in a closet with a bag of chocolate, because I’ve already tried that and all it does is make fat.

Me: Cindy-Lu! Come here and get dressed on so we can go outside and play!

Cindy-Lu: Are these my big girl pants? They have bow on ‘dem! I love bows! Look at da bow, Mommy! Dat’s my bow!

Me: Ooh, that bow is so pretty.

Cindy-Lu: I love dat bow! It makes my heart happy.

Later, after I recovered from the sweetness….

Me: Cindy-Lu, tell Daddy what’s on your big girl pants.

Cindy-Lu: A bow!

Me: Do you like that bow?

Cindy-Lu: Yeah! It makes me heart happy!

Me: You make my heart happy.

Cindy-Lu: Noooo! Daddy makes your heart happy when he hugs you!

And, once again, she’s turned me into a puddle of goo.

Sometimes I am such an asshole. And sometimes I try to be a nice person and end up being an asshole. Like today.

I have a Netflix subscription that I tend to forget about. I order the movies and we either watch them and I forget to mail them back or we just plain forget to watch them. Usually I’ll remember when I see the charge on my credit card and I’ll get the movies. At that point I have decide if its worth it to actually watch the movies and risk letting them hide in our entertainment center for another month or if I should just cut my losses and stick them back in the mail immediately. Today I chose to just stick the unwatched movies back in the mail. After all, one of the movies was some documentary about Ben Franklin and HONESTLY who wants to watch that? Apparently I did at some point, but that’s unimportant.

I went out to the mailbox this afternoon before the mailman had a chance to get here and I put the movies in the mailbox. I was so proud of myself. I had ACCOMPLISHED something today. Being such a hard worker is so REWARDING, you know?

In the spirit of hard workers everywhere, I decided to help Cleatus out and bring one of our garbage cans back to the garage with me. After all, I was standing right next to them and I could easily bring one back. I certainly wasn’t going to go back later and get the other one, but I could take the one with me on my walk to the house. Hardworking = Me.

About halfway down our long ass driveway I realized that my garbage can was kind of heavy. Like maybe there was still garbage in it?  I slowed down a little, but didn’t stop walking because I didn’t want to call attention to myself. I very casually looked around at the neighbors’ driveways. All of their cans were still sitting by the road.

Our garbage man ALWAYS comes around 7 in the morning. I know this because I am usually still trying to sleep and he is loud. Also, Cleatus used to miss the garbage man all the time because he comes so early. SURELY I WAS NOT CARRYING OUR GARBAGE BACK TO THE HOUSE.

But I was.

And I kept on going. I may have even started whistling, trying to be all tra-la-la, nothing amiss over here, I just wasn’t quite done with my garbage yet.  My neighbors weren’t even outside. Most of them work anyway and it was 2 in the afternoon. But even if they were all outside just staring at me WHO CARES if my neighbors see me take the garbage can from the road to the house and back again? WHO CARES?

Apparently I do.

The garbage man just went down the other side of the road and he’ll be coming up my side in just a moment. Should I take the can back out there? What if someone sees me? What will they think I was doing? They will totally think I’m an idiot. I just can’t do it.

Cleatus is going to be so happy that I helped him out today.

Gawd, I’m an asshole.